THE SHOCK FAMILY

#raptureanxiety. There it is. I have had it. I think in some sort of odd way... I still have it. Not scared it is going to happen anymore. Just scared of bringing up the feelings. All that went along with the ridiculous rapture talk. In the 4th grade when I first heard about it. Watch a movie. A Thief in the Night/A Distant Thunder. Let me say it again... 4th grade. Went along with my parents to a high school event. New Years Eve. Sat in the back and watched in horror. What is this? People disappearing in the middle of the night. Planes crashing. Cars wrecking. People reeling. And then... The people who were left behind? Running. No food. Fires and death. And then? They had to choose. Get the mark of the beast or get their heads chopped off. That's how it ended. The star of the movie up on the platform ready to die. The sound of the guillotine. Lord help us all. Ok. Deep breath. I just found the darn movie on youtube. Watched some of it to make s

New day. New thoughts. New words. Trying to do this every day. Make myself write something. My Prozac journey. Coming off the darn stuff. One week into it. I've been on an antidepressant for three years now. It has worked for me. I went on the Prozac because at the time I couldn't stop crying. Anxiety mixed with depression. I was used to the anxiety. But the crying??? I'm sure it had a whole lot to do with Dad's death. There were other factors playing in. Perfect storm. I reluctantly took my first dose. Within a couple of weeks I was functioning more like myself... The tears had stopped. I could go to the grocery store. It was a welcome relief. Since then, my anxiety and ocd has been up and down. But, I will tell you what... There have not been many tears. Almost none. Maybe a few. But almost none. I told my doctor last week that I am ready to feel again. Ready to shed some tears... On the dark days... As well as the happy days. One thing

I had a dream. Last night. So real. So memorable. Need to write it down. Some of the women from our church were hanging out. Ready to take a hike in the woods. It had just rained. Inches and inches of rain. A muddy mess. I thought for sure we would cancel the hike. Can you imagine walking in that? But... as I looked in front of me. My friends were taking off their shoes. They were rolling up their pants. Ready for the challenge. Are you kidding me? We're doing this? We're really doing this? Yep. Let's go. It's gonna get messy. We are about to get dirty. Real dirty. There may be snakes and probably lots of bugs. Mosquitos. And I'm a magnet for mosquitos. Dangit. Ok. Oh... and no men are with us. Just us girls. And there is a little laughter. Some talk of grounding. You know... going barefoot is good for you? Well then. Let's hike. I woke up this morning and actually thought about going on a hike today. It would be muddy. The

Friday ~ November 3, 2017 I need to write. In a safe place. An area where I'm free to be myself and tell my thoughts. My learnings. My leanings. Every day I'm growing. Eyes are opening. Breathing deeper. Excited to explore. Claudia told me this week that I am "courageous". Fearful and timid seem more like it. But, oh how I long to be what she said. Podcast I was listening to yesterday said to make a list. Three adjectives. Words I want to be true of me in five years. Hmmmm.... He said high achievers will make this list. I decided to be a "high achiever".  1.)  Joyful (full of joy).  2.)  Healthy (stop seeing myself as a disease waiting to happen).  3.)  Courageous (for real... excited about what this life has to offer). I want to say "I'm not afraid anymore!" I want to trust God with my life. Not a naive look at life. But a deep gut level belief that I am loved by God. That we all are. I went to the doctor a couple o

5 years Forever And yet? Just yesterday. Oh Dad, How can I miss you as much as I do? Still. Absent from here for five years. And yet? Still very present in all of our lives. We had to pull out our old memory box this week. Lance was wanting to wear Kevin's Varsity jacket on "dress like your parents day" at school. He's a senior, ya know. For real. Our baby is in his last year. I saw a picture in that box of you, m and me at my graduation. You looked young. Happy to have your arm around me. Proud of me. Your baby. The last of five. Your favorite. I know. I kid. And yet, I think we all felt that way, Dad. Remember the "tunnel tunnels"? Those forever tunnel going under the mountains on our way to Virginia? If I close my eyes I can still feel like I'm sitting on the hump in our front seat... ~The "car seat" of the 1970's~ And you are pretending to be scared as you drove us t

Remember the good old days? The late 80's - early 90's. The Bad Boys. They were incredible. Isiah Thomas was my favorite. That smile? So cute. Dad and I watched them every night when I was pregnant with Alyssa. The Detroit Pistons? In my heart of hearts... Could do no wrong. Joe Duuuumars. Vinnie (the microwave) Johnson. Dennis Rodman - Mom's favorite. She said he "ran like a deer down the court". We loved our Bad Boys. ALL OF THEM. Yes. Even Bill Laimbeer. I'm not kidding. In my eyes? He could do no wrong. I'm serious. Stop laughing. He was just what we needed. He got the job done. It may have been a dirty job. Someone had to do it. I knew he had haters. Lots of them. But he was good for us. Good to us. Somehow. If there were flaws? I could look over them. For the sake of the team. For the sake of the back to back championships. I did not wear Bill Laimbeer's jersey. Would never do that. But I was a Piston. Thro