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You've Got This, Kid.

  Kid. My favorite name. Dad called me “kid”. So did Aunt Ruth. My brother Bill does sometimes. Kev does a lot. Oh, and one teacher at Snider. I think he thinks I’m younger than he is. I’ve got him by about 5 years. I’m not gonna ever tell him. I like when he says it. Why? What feelings does it bring up? Kid and Kiddo. I know I really am a kid at heart. I just somehow think it makes me feel safe. Protected. Like someone older and wiser cares about me. Is looking out for me. Knows me enough to call me “kid”. I’m the baby of our family. Not only my immediate family. Also the baby of all the cousins on both sides. And you know what they say about that, right? Once the baby, always the baby. I’m pretty sure I was spoiled. Spoiled rotten? Hmmm... Maybe? But I will say I have spent a good amount of my adult life trying to figure out what is going on with the kid inside of me. Just who little Karen was and still is. What makes her afraid and what brings her life
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The Touch Tree

The touch tree. Who I am. Everything God has made me to be. All my experiences? They are the soil.  My past, all mixed in together. The good and the bad. The hardest moments. The most glorious times. All working together for good. All growing me into me. Producing a tree that gives fruit. That needs to be watered. Rained on. In order to bring life. To flourish. These hard memories. The brokenness. The tears. They aren’t for nothing. The hope that springs up from the ground. The love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and self control. It all comes from the depths of the Earth. Rooted in Jesus. My weaknesses and hardships. My times of weeping and pain. Grow me up to be a strong, steady, place of refuge. Learning today to be grateful for the soil of my life. Thank you @glennondoyle for the beautiful illustration.  I want this to sink deep down into my soul.
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A Good Day

  Today is one of the good ones. (May 12, 2021) Can I even write on this kind of day? So many times I don’t. Mostly because I’m superstitious and don’t want to jinx anything. What if I say I’m doing great and then something tragic happens? God wouldn’t want me to get to comfortable here. Even when I’m happy, I have a sense of impending doom. All part of the anxiety. I’m standing behind my desk in school, listening to fun music while I eat my lunch, all the while looking over my shoulder, wondering what is coming for me. Look, I just turned a fun post into a not so fun one. I am learning that my questions about life, my grief, and my general sense of uneasiness is warranted. You see, those of us with anxiety? Maybe we  aren’t so crazy. Maybe, just maybe, we have our eyes open. We see the World as it is. We ask questions about God because we care. I’ve been asking questions about how the World turns since I was a small child. I’ve always had a sense of the nearness of th
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The Power of Love

  I used to think that the power of the Holy Spirit was about a certain kind of power. Like…  Power ranger power. Superhero power. Strong. Brave. Able to go be a missionary in a scary place. Standing up for Jesus. Saying no to sin. Not drinking, cussing, or gossiping. Ya know? That kind of power. Here’s what I’m learning. There is a certain kind of power that is talked about in Ephesians 3. A different kind than what I thought. It says that we, being rooted and established in love, would have the power to grasp how deep and wide the love of God is. A love that surpasses knowledge. Ok. Back it up. Paul is praying for us to be strengthened by the Holy Spirit. But for what? Why do we need strength? Strength for what? What kind of power are we talking about? The power to know. To know God’s love. To understand this love. It must not be easy. He is on his knees, praying we can get this. Then it says if we do grasp it? We will be filled to the measure of all the
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FREEDOM

Seems like a good day to write about this. It’s actually more of a coincidence (that I’m talking about it) than anything else. Alyssa and I were a part of an important discussion the other day. It was a long time coming. I had my listening ears on. Believing she was about to speak some truth into my life. She was gracious with her words. She is pretty terrific about saying hard things in a loving way. It all started when family was sitting around the kitchen table talking about parenting. How everyone could be better in this area. We were chatting about the whole “Fun Heilshorn Family” aspect of life. She brought up the time we were at Cedar Point (she was 9) and I pretty much made her ride the Magnum. Oops. She hated it. I honestly thought she would love it. We all did. You know, part of “fun” our family had. Once again, She hated it. And here’s the deal… I’ve said I was sorry many times since then. I knew I pretty much scarred her that day. But, on this day? She was ready to explain
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Letter To Dad ~ Year 7

Dad, Here's the thing... seven years without you and I still miss you something terrible. I still can hear your voice and see your silly grin. What I keep thinking about these days is how much I want your legacy to live on... through me and through all of us. And in some crazy kind of way? I think it kind of is. Let me tell you why... Little Livia (side note, I so wish you could have known you) gave me a homemade card on the first day of our family vacation last month. You know what it said? "Grandma, I love you very much and can't wait to dance for you this week!"  I know right??? It sounds like something one of your kids/grandkids would have written to you. I'm growing up to be like my daddy.  Tears of joy flow freely when I watch our little ladies dance for me. The tears come more now... and I don't mind. The joy of seeing our Alayna walk down the aisle to marry Jake (another side note - I wish he would have known you).  Watching Sawyer perform in
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Adventures in Anxiety

when people don't understand. when they tell you "satan is having a field day in your mind". when they tell you "if you just had good, sound biblical teaching"... and you just stare back at them. shocked by their words... their inability to grasp what you are saying. no... no... that isn't what i'm saying. dang.it. forget it. forget i said anything. and you walk away wondering what they will tell others. this happened to me last night. it happens a whole lot. well meaning people who are trying to fix me. trying to convince me that "getting over" anxiety is easy. i was more stunned last night than usual. i'm still shaking my head just thinking about it. right now... i can feel myself shaking my head as i type this. honestly? i don't need "fixed". i'm alright. like i said in my facebook video the other day... i have been living with this for 24 years. living. really living. there are moments, yes, wh
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