A Letter to Dad

A feeling I didn't think I would have...
Not wanting this year to be over.

Feeling like tomorrow I should just be done grieving.
He was 85 and had dementia for crying out loud.

Why can't I stop the tears today?
Why am I still in my pajamas and it's noon?

Kevin so sweetly asked me to go to lunch with him.
Don't so much feel like eating.

Just being honest....
I miss him.

I'm thinking a time machine would be nice.
I want to go back in time and see him sitting in our living room on Schultz St.
I long to tell him all I've been thinking this past year.

I thought I had said everything I needed to say in those days before he passed.
I realize now... that it would take a lifetime to say all I needed to say.

So today... I write him a letter.
A love letter of sorts.
A note to say thanks.
To say what I would say to him if I had that time machine...

Hey Dad ~

First  of all... I love you -- more today than ever before. 

I have so much to say to you.

So much to thank you for.

So much that I keep remembering about you and how you loved me so well over the years.

The first time you took me Disney World... 

I think I was 5 years old.  

Remember I threw a penny in the wishing well right before we were leaving, and told you I had wished I could ride 'It's a Small World' one more time?

Of course... my wish came true!

No wonder I still believe in the "magic" of Disney.

Thanks Dad.

I've been thinking about how you were my chauffeur all those years.

Taking me to all of my lessons and practices.

When you drove me, you weren't on your cell phone, or listening intently to the radio.

You were talking to me.

Always asking me about my boyfriends, even when I was way too young to have one.

For some reason... that makes me smile.

Remember how you used to drive me by the houses of the different boys I liked?

I loved it and hated it at the same time, because if you were in just the right mood, you would honk the horn... or worse yet, pull into their driveway!

C'mon Dad!  
What were you thinking???

Oh, but by the way...

Thanks for those fun and crazy memories.

I would do it all again if I could!

One really special time I need to say thanks for...

You were dropping me off at school in our brand new Buick (with the electric windows - so cool), 
Then you were taking Mom and her sisters to Detroit for a few days.

I was so sad that I couldn't go.

When you saw my tears, you said "Stay in the car. You're coming with us."

OH HAPPY DAY!!!!

Remember the look on Mom's face when she saw that I was still in the car?

I rode in the front seat (on the hump) all the way to Detroit.

What a special getaway.

Thanks for spoiling me Dad!

Just one more...

Perhaps the most important.

The tears are rolling down my face as I type.

Remember when you found out that I was pregnant?

19 years old and not married?

I remember --

I remember you not saying anything...

Nothing bad, nothing good.

You just kept loving me.

You just stood by me through the whole ordeal.

I never felt judged by you.

Or condemned by you.

Or unloved by you.

We spent a whole lot of time together those next few years.

You loved Alyssa so much.

You found a way to help me walk through that season with joy and confidence,

Knowing I was loved and supported by my family.

You were a man of few words...

But you loved so well.

I know you are gone Dad, but your memory and your legacy lives on.

I think out of everyone, I miss you the most -- 

Mom might argue that one.

Who knew it would be so hard?

I sure didn't.

I do know...

I wouldn't want to bring you back here today.

Trapped in that 85 year old body and mind.

I know you are so much better off.

And I'm so thankful!

I just miss you... that's all.

I miss my daddy.

Others might argue this as well, but I think you were the best Dad in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

I know as the years go by I will think of more memories and more ways that you loved me so well.

Somehow though...

I think you know.

You know how very much I love you.

How very much we all love you.

And how grateful I am that you are my dad.

I love you,

Karen