Why Write?

What is it about writing? About putting my thoughts down on paper. They are scattered, I know. I don't think/type in full sentences. Probably drives my English teaching friends nuts. But it is where I find freedom. A sort of rest for my soul... and my brain. The deep, dark thoughts come spilling out onto the page and there is relief.

I understand not everyone wants to read my word vomit, and I have to learn to be ok with that. People even make fun of the way I write. Ugh... it hurts. But again, I'm not for everyone. God knows my heart in all of this. He knows my wonderings and my ability to head into a la la land of sorts. And in my writings? Somehow, there is a sense of coming back to center much of the time. Haha... not that my life is centered. I've always been a little off kilter.  

January is always a rough month for me. Coming off the holidays.  All the food, the hustle and bustle and busyness of the season. Heading straight into a vast nothingness. A cold, icy, seemingly dead month... almost like a month long hangover. Not that I know what a hangover feels like. Ok. Maybe I do. Not fun. And I skipped right on into this new year with a nasty bout of the flu... which made it seem even more hangoverish. 

My word for 2018 is "Bright".  I would love to say the Lord gave it to me, but I am just not that confident that He actually speaks to me in that sort of way.  It did kinda come to me out of the blue on a Sunday morning as we were heading to church... but I have no idea where it came from.  Still, I run with it.

And one month in, so far, I have hated this word. What the heck does bright have to do with anything? There are much more creative words out there.  How did this silly little word make its way into my brain... and stick for crying out loud?  

So... I've been trying all month to figure this word out.  Looking up the definition, looking into the antonyms and synonyms, looking for any song that may have this word in it. You know... "shine bright like a diamond".  I tried to watch the Will Smith movie on Netflix... ugh... it was not my kind of movie.  I turned it off about a half an hour in, knowing that there are other ways of figuring out why this is my word for the year... and promising to go back to it in December if I haven't figured out the meaning of bright by then.

I saw a real fun t-shirt on instagram that says "shine bright" in rainbow colors.  Love it! May order it at some point.  Still, the jury is out on why this word.  

One clue has come up and I think I might be on to something.  I've begun to look at the "bright side" of life --- 

I’ve never thought myself to be a pessimist.

I know I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic.

And in order to have drama, you need the darkness.

So with a touch of drama... I type.

This year I am beginning to look at life from a different angle.

I’m going to look for the bright side.

The rainbow in the midst of the storm.

This is not easy for me.

You see, when looking to be vulnerable and authentic, it always helps to highlight the pain.

To talk about the loss.

To focus on the fears and doubts and sin.

People like it.

And while I know just how healing it can be, I also know that sometimes it just isn’t helpful.

It can masquerade and cloak itself in humility.

And who doesn’t want to humble? 

The struggle is real.

I don’t want to take away from the struggle.

But... day after day?

Ruminating about the past.

Wallowing in the present.

Dreading the future.

This is just no way to live.

So, this week Alayna asked me why I always talk about their childhood like it was so bad.

“Why do you make everything seem so dark?”

“Yes, you’ve made mistakes, but there were so many good times, Mom. We’ve had a great life.”

Why did these words sting so much? 

Maybe because they were followed up by...

“We all just really want you to be happy.”

Right.

She is right.

There is something about my life that has been built on the extremes.

The black and white.

So if there is any darkness?

Well then... it’s all dark.

Seems so much more honorable.

So much more realistic.

Always looking at the dark side.

But this week.

These past few days.

I’ve been busy making lists.

Going back through my life and writing down the dark times... and then setting out to find the bright side in each situation.

Turns out, it’s kinda easy.

Turns out, there is so much bright.

So much to be thankful for.

I know that drama comes in all of our lives.

I get that.

But I’m believing right now that I can save the dramatic for when the drama is real.

Does this make sense? 

Maybe this word “bright” is going to be life changing for me this year.

The sun is bright today.

In the midst of a dark, dreary January...

The sun is bright.

The story of my life.

The story of all of our lives.