For A Season


I wrote this blogpost back in December of last year.
I posted it... and took it down right after.
It was too scary to put myself out there like that.
But...
God has brought me through so much since I wrote this.
I want to continue to write about all that has happened.
The journey I've been on in the past year.
So... I've put the blogpost back up.


-----------------------------------------------



People may say I've been distant.
Friends and family might agree.
Please don't take it personal.
Or be too quick to judge me.

The fact is…
God is working.
Stripping me down -- 
My soul,
My dreams,
My ego,
My selfishness,
(Ha… even talking about it here… seems so selfish.)

It's not easy being me.
Not easy being a "self proclaimed" narcissist.
Not easy being an "others proclaimed" hypochondriac.

This season of my life has brought those two traits way out into the spotlight.
Many tears have been shed over these two traits - my whole life…
Even if I haven't always known what to label them.

But God…
He is so gracious.

So gracious to give me…
A few real close friends who are willing to walk with me through this… and continue to cry with me, and laugh (at and with) me.

So gracious to give me…
A husband and kids who are patient and love me so… even when they think I am crazy.

So gracious to give me…
Others who understand, who've been there or are currently wrestling through the same things.
I have read books, blogs and listened to podcasts… so good to know I am not alone.

So gracious to give me…
Rest in the midst.
Laughter in the midst.
Hope in the midst.

And most importantly, Himself in the midst.

Only a perfect Father in Heaven could so gently and beautifully show me my sin, and how I've been running after the wrong things… things that will not satisfy.

It took a very close family member saying to me tongue and cheek -- 
Wait… what exactly does "tongue and cheek" mean?
Pause… I'm looking it up on Wikipedia :). --
Yes, I think she said it tongue and cheek…
Telling me "You've always wanted to be a celebrity. You've always wanted to be famous Karen."
I tried really hard not to take it seriously or be offended.

But God…
Used that little statement to radically call me to repentance.

I know that I say I want my life to be one that makes Jesus famous… that points to Him.
However, I am realizing more and more how easy it is to long for recognition -- even fame of some sorts.

Yuck!
Yuck!
Yuck!

Praise God that Jesus died for this.
And… I don't have to live under the condemnation of it all.

I know the Word of God says that "I am free".

And that is exactly what this season of my life is about for me…
Learning to live FREE.

Learning to live in the moment.
Not for a future fame or recognition.
Not to people please.
Not to make sure that I am on the "winning team".
Not trying to get others to like me.

But living today in the Mercy of Jesus.
His mercies are new every morning.
His love never fails.

Learning to live knowing that His love is enough.
His sacrifice on the cross was enough.
His Holy Spirit living in me is more than enough.

I know full well that this whole life is a journey…
And I will not reach any kind of perfection in my flesh this side of Glory.

But I am thankful that God is pleased to grow and stretch each of us along the way.









Comments

LORI CLOUNIE said…
Karen, there is a vulnerability in every writer's choice to bare their heart openly. True, the risk is great. But it is in these moments that God peels away the layers of your heart and begins creating a new heart, a new you. You may never know at what level your words may have impacted another soul for Jesus. But how great that ours is only to be obedient in writing and sharing God's message of hope, God is the one who takes it and changes hearts.
Your raw honesty is refreshing and appreciated. May God take your words and bring others to look at themselves more closely, bringing them closer to being more like Jesus!
August 23, 2014 at 12:58 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Homesick

Ahhh...  Quincy (my precious nephew that I babysit) is napping, kids have finished school, dishwasher is running... I have a free minute! I'm thinking that since I have stumbled upon Ann's blog aholyexperience.com ,  I have somehow been intimidated by her beautiful writing and my brain has been in a fog when it comes to blogging.  Realizing just how completely ridiculous (and sinful!) it is to even compare myself with her... I am back... just being who God has made me to be :). Things are going well with my parents.  I will have to post some pictures when I get another minute... their bedroom is just a little slice of 1123 Schultz St... it's perfect for them. I have to tell you though, that my Dad keeps saying he wants to "go home"....  When we start to respond, he says "I know, you are going to tell me I live here now, but I still want to go home".  It is really hard for me to hear that and not take it personally... and to know that it isn't g
Read more

The Touch Tree

The touch tree. Who I am. Everything God has made me to be. All my experiences? They are the soil.  My past, all mixed in together. The good and the bad. The hardest moments. The most glorious times. All working together for good. All growing me into me. Producing a tree that gives fruit. That needs to be watered. Rained on. In order to bring life. To flourish. These hard memories. The brokenness. The tears. They aren’t for nothing. The hope that springs up from the ground. The love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and self control. It all comes from the depths of the Earth. Rooted in Jesus. My weaknesses and hardships. My times of weeping and pain. Grow me up to be a strong, steady, place of refuge. Learning today to be grateful for the soil of my life. Thank you @glennondoyle for the beautiful illustration.  I want this to sink deep down into my soul.
Read more

Celebrating Today

17 years ago today, I sat in a cold dark hospital room recovering from an emergency c-section just a few hours prior... and wondering if our precious little Andrew was going to live or die.  He had been sent off to Toledo Hospital (an hour away) after delivery.  Dr. Matthew came in and gave us the news that our newborn son either had a broken blood vessel or an aneurysm on his brain. My memories of that hospital stay are awful at best.  Let me first say, that I was not walking close to God at that time. I that point, I was simply praying to Him that He would save my son... I knew nothing of the Peace that He had to offer. I felt so alone.  Kev was in Toledo with Drew (where I wanted him to be), and I was in pain!  The hospital was short staffed, so I remember having my breakfast, lunch and dinner trays all piled up in the corner of the room.  I just stared at Katie Couric on The Today Show.  Relief was nowhere to be found. By the way... c-sections are really painful! It ended u
Read more