Who Am I? (A prayer)

Lord Jesus,

Please help me to know how to live.
Please show me the way.
Why does everything seem so upside down??
So scary?

I don’t want easy, God.
Ok.
Maybe I do.

Why does it all seem so confusing?
Is there something you want me to do?
Please make it clear.
Something to write?
Show me.
A cause to champion?
Well then, I want to do just that.

Put me in coach.
But do I have to get beat up?
Scars?
Battle wounds?
Does that have to be part of the game?

You know I am not strong.
You know I feel inadequate.
There are others out who will speak better.
Stick with it better.
Know what to say and when to say it better.

Is it women?
Black Lives Matter?
Immigrants?
LGBTQ?
Anxiety issues?

Hmmm...
The underdog.
The ones who don’t feel adequate.
The ones who live in shame of who they have been told they are.
Who tell themselves who they are.

What is my role?
Not just to tell my story.
Or is it just that?
Our story.
Your story, God.

The story of me... trying to find my place in this World.
Struggling to understand who you are.
And who exactly you made me to be.
Afraid to find out.
Afraid to jump into this game and fully be known.

This life hurts.
Facebook hurts.
Reputations are at stake.
Ha.
Who am I kidding?
I blew the “good Christian girl” reputation right outa the water 29 years ago.

Ahhh...
Even as I write this.
I start see.
My heart is for the ones who don’t quite measure up.
The underdog.

Maybe that should be my book...
Karen Ruthie... a story of the underdog.
I’m just typing now.
Still praying, I guess.
Listening as I type.

I do love a good underdog story.
I do get it.
I do want to help.

Oh God, show me the way.

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